


Decision

by frausorge



Category: Backstreet Boys, NSYNC
Genre: Awesome April, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-25
Updated: 2008-04-25
Packaged: 2017-10-07 11:11:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/64578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frausorge/pseuds/frausorge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He would never in a million billion years be able to say "I'm a virgin" to her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Decision

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2008 popslash Awesome April challenge. Many thanks to withdiamonds and silveryscrape for swift and helpful beta, and to turps33 for organizing the whole thing so fabulously!

Lance had decided once, at the age when he first began thinking about such things in a concerted fashion, that he wouldn't have sex with anyone if he didn't feel comfortable telling them it was his first time. You didn't have to be married - that was a relic of an outdated patrilineal kinship structure, he had learned in Ms. Healdsburg's Social Studies class, and it still made sense to him even after everyone's parents went to the school board meeting and got her put on probationary status and had that lesson permanently removed from the syllabus. Still, doing it for the first time without saying so, without that minimum of honesty, just didn't seem like a good way to get close to someone. It was all quite clear in his mind, and he jerked off contentedly, thinking about the time when he would get to feel someone else's breath on his skin.  
 

The decision was reconfirmed when he found himself alone in a bathroom in somebody's basement with somebody else's cousin from Atlanta, barely able to think over the pounding of the drumbeat through the walls. The lights were on in the bathroom even though they were off in the other rooms, and he stared confusedly at the floral still life print on the wall while she pushed her breasts against his chest. His lips had gone a bit numb from the pressure of her mouth, though he could still feel her nails digging into his shoulders.

"You're really cute," she said, pulling back slightly and grinning at him. "I'll blow you, if you want."

He glanced at her face in panic and thought that he would never in a million billion years be able to say "I'm a virgin" to her. "Do you, um, do you want another drink?" he said instead. "I'm gonna, I'm just - do you want one?"

"Nah, that's okay," she said, uncurling her hands from his arms, and she stayed behind while he stumbled out into the darkness of the game room. He found the cooler by sheer luck at one end of a sofa, ignoring the sounds coming from the other end, and went out to the back yard with his beer. He sat down on the grass and stared up at the bright summer stars until Amos came up the stairs jingling his car keys.

"Well, I can see you had a good night," Amos said, pointing at Lance's face.

Lance put a hand to his own cheek and smelled lipstick again. "Uh," he said. "Yeah, fine."

"You ready to go?" Amos said.

"Yeah," Lance said.  
 

His principle held true even after everything changed, and he was no longer living at home with Stacy, his dad, and his mom, and going to dark, crowded parties, but living in German hotels with the guys, Lynn, and his mom, and singing in dark, crowded clubs. Chris and Joey spent hours talking excitedly about all the girls they were going to get now, especially when they were drunk, with Justin listening eagerly, but Lance hadn't seen so much of that actually happening. It was just as well, really, because Lou kept them so busy with rehearsals and traveling and performances that there wasn't much time to try and get to know someone. So Lance was a little taken aback when a woman who seemed a fair bit older than him, with dyed black hair, walked up to the bar where Joey had left him and sat down on the stool next to his.

"You are one of the American boys, yes?" she said. "The dancers?"

"We're singers," he said, and she laughed.

"Yes, yes. You have been here, how long?" He told her, and she asked him some other things, and it was so much like being interviewed that he almost relaxed until she said, "You'll dance this one with me?"

It sounded strange in her accent, like "Dance ziss vun viss me," and while he was thinking that, she took him by the wrist and pulled him out onto the floor. He began moving automatically to the beat, looking at his own feet more than at her. Then the music changed and she wrapped her arms around his neck, and he had to look over her shoulder instead of at her face anyway, his hands settling awkwardly on her hips. A few songs later she leaned in to his ear and said quietly, "Come back viss me."

He knew he was naïve, but that seemed fairly clear. He thought about it for a split second, glancing around for Joey, and what he thought was that if he told her it would be his first time, she might very well not be surprised. She might even be hoping for it. He shuddered a little. "I can't," he said. "Uh, we have early rehearsal, and stuff, tomorrow, we have some more shows, and-"

She cut him off by laughing nastily. "All right, little one," she said, and she turned and disappeared into the crowd. His cheeks were burning as he made his way back to the bar, trying to avoid meeting anyone's eyes. But somewhere underneath that, he felt something secret like relief.  
 

Lance was in another club, ditched at the bar by JC this time, when someone said, "Is this seat taken?"

"Hey, you're American!" Lance said, because it was such a treat to hear unaccented English, these days.

The guy smiled. "So are you," he said. "Whereabouts are you from, then?"

"Mississippi," Lance said. "How about you?"

"Alabama, right next door. I'm Michael, by the way."

"Lance," Lance said, shaking his hand. They talked about home for a while, and then about Germany. Then they heard the opening strains of _Born in the U.S.A. _ blaring over the loudspeakers. Michael rolled his eyes.

"We have no choice," he said. "Come on." Lance laughed and followed him through the throngs to a spot where there was just barely room to move. They started dancing. Michael's arm brushed his, and then their knees bumped.

"Sorry," Lance shouted. Michael just grinned.

A moment later he put his hand on Lance's waist. Lance caught his breath. Michael smiled at him and kept dancing. No one seemed to be looking at them. Lance thought he'd better be cool, too, so he kept moving as well. Michael put his other hand on Lance's other side. Lance felt very warm.

They were dancing close, not pressed up together, but brushing against each other now and then. Lance realized he was starting to get hard. He was afraid Michael would notice. His knees felt kind of shaky.

Michael squeezed his hips as the song ended, and all of a sudden Lance felt overwhelmed. "I, um, I have to go, find my friend," he blurted out, standing still as a new song began, something in German with a raucous guitar riff under the vocals.

Michael's eyelashes dipped, and he smiled. "Sure, I understand," he said. "Promise me something, though?"

"What?"

"Don't go back to Mississippi yet."

"I'm not," Lance said. "I mean, um, I won't."

"Good." Michael leaned forward and kissed his cheek. "Nice meeting you, Lance," he said, and left him.  
 

Nothing much happened for a good while after that. Lynn and Lance's mom went home, and the five of them stayed in Germany by themselves. Chris and Joey began taking Justin out drinking with them, and one night when they came back, Justin crawled into Lance's bed. He collapsed on top of Lance, a knobby weight smelling of smoke, and whined, "Oh fuck, Lance, I'm so horny, oh, man-"

"Fuck _off, _ Justin," Lance said, shoving ineffectually, not really properly awake yet.

"Lance, man, I just, it's nothin', just fuckin' help me," and Justin pressed sloppy lips to Lance's mouth.

Lance decided right then and there that Michael's kiss did count, because he wasn't going to have drunk Justin be his first kiss, let alone anything else. "Get the fuck off me," he snarled.

"But I'm - hard!" Justin said, just as Lance succeeded in rolling Justin off him.

"Take care of it yourself, asshole," Lance said.

"Mm -" Justin mumbled, reaching a hand down. Lance got up and stalked over to Justin's bed, which was cold but blessedly empty, and tried to go back to sleep.

Justin slept through the alarm the next morning, and Lance had to shake him by the shoulder to wake him up.

"Why am I in your bed?" Justin asked, rubbing his eyes.

"I have no fucking idea," Lance said.  
 

Joey knocked on their door, yelled, "Porn in Chris's room!" and went on without waiting for them to answer.

"Yo!" Justin called back, jumping to his feet. "C'mon, Lance, don't be such a slowpoke."

"I'm not going," Lance said, "I've got some reading I wanna do."

"What're you talking about?" Justin said, pausing in the doorway. "You'd rather _read? _ It's not like you have homework anymore."

"I just wanna read this," Lance repeated, monotone, and Justin shook his head and dashed off after Joey.

Lance sat on his bed with his magazine, daydreaming. He'd thought it would be good to try to read a little German, but he was tired of looking up every other word in the dictionary. There was another knock, and JC said, "Lance?" through the door.

"Yeah," Lance called.

JC came in and sat down on the edge of Lance's bed. "Hey," he said.

"Hey."

"Listen," JC said after a moment. "Has Justin been bothering you?"

"No," Lance said.

"Okay," JC said. "'Cause, y'know, I can talk to him, or one of us can switch with you, or something, if he's being a prick."

"No, it's, it's fine. It's just, he -" Lance gestured with his hand, unable to think how to say it. "I know he doesn't really mean to…"

JC nodded, smoothing the blanket next to his knee with two fingers. "He's mixed up," JC said. "Sometimes he thinks maybe he wants to, and he. He doesn't stop to think we might not."

"Yeah," Lance said. JC nodded again, and they sat in quiet for a moment. Lance felt kind of worldly wise, discussing Justin with JC.

"I am gay, though," JC said suddenly.

"Oh," Lance said, "yeah -" and he meant to just say _me too_ casually back, but his throat closed up, and he stuttered, "I'm, um, I am, I'm, uh, gay. Um. Also."

JC smiled. "Cool," he said. He shifted his weight a little, drawing his shoulders back.

Lance glanced down at JC's arms, the stretch of his thin gray T-shirt across his chest, and then back up to the hollows of JC's eyes. He felt a little short of breath. JC wasn't touching him anywhere, but his gaze seemed to be hovering somewhere below Lance's chin. Then JC looked up, too, and they stared at each other.

JC glanced away. "So," he said, "like, if you need Justin off your case, just holler, okay?"

_If I'd kissed him right then, _ Lance thought, _if I'd just_ \- if he'd slid a hand up JC's arm and leaned forward and kissed him, JC would have let him, probably. JC would have kissed him back, as long as he didn't say anything, and put an arm around him, and then - but, Lance also thought, JC most likely wouldn't do anything if Lance said he hadn't before, and he'd be pissed off if Lance didn't tell him till afterwards, and in any case it would screw with things, with the group, it would be weird, and complicated, hard to explain to the others, hard to hide from Lou, and all in all just generally - he glanced down at JC's hand plucking at the blanket - a bad idea.

"Okay?" JC said.

"Yeah, sure," Lance said.

"Okay."

Lance took a breath and leaned his head back against the wall.

"You wanna watch TV?" JC asked, and they found some dubbed _90210_ reruns to watch until Justin came back.

Lance was a little afraid Justin was going to pass a comment about his method of reading, but Justin just said, "Hey," and went into the bathroom. He seemed pretty sober.

JC got up and handed Lance the remote. "I better get going," he said. "Night, Lance."

"Night."

"Night, J!"

Justin mumbled something from behind the door, and JC nodded and went out.  
 

Lance started watching JC when they went out, both in Germany and once they finally got back home, and gradually he saw how JC did it: dancing up close with guys, palms brushing at thigh level, pressing together almost unnoticeably among the throngs on the floor. Lance danced with some more guys himself after that, a cute blond in Chicago, a raver wearing red jeans in New York, a couple of gorgeous dark-eyed boys in LA. A few times he lifted his chin at the right moment and let himself be kissed. But he'd also seen the hoops JC had to jump through, negotiating with Lonnie and Tiny to even stay out when the others left, let alone bring someone back with him, and that wasn't anything Lance wanted to do. So when the hands on his waist grew too insistent, he found ways to smile and slip away again into the crowds.  
 

Chris kissed Lance the night the lawsuit was settled, a quick smack by the window in Joey's room, right after Chris dipped JC back over his arm and right before he curled his hand around the nape of Justin's neck. Lance looked at Justin, pink-faced and giggling, and set his own glass of champagne down quietly on the windowsill. JC smiled at Lance and then yelled out loud when Joey trapped him and started tickling. Lance watched for a second while JC flailed in Joey's grip. Then he moved around the edge of the room to the bed, settled back in one corner, and closed his eyes.

When Lance looked up again, Joey and Justin were snoring in the bed next to him. Justin's arm was thrown over Joey's waist. JC and Chris were breathing only slightly more quietly, spooned up together on the floor in front of the TV. Lance looked at all their sleeping faces and sighed.  
 

Britney came out clubbing with them when she was visiting, although for her that mostly just meant a lot of time spent sitting around in VIP to avoid photographers. Lance followed Chris and Joey to the dance floor while JC and Justin started catching Britney up on MMC gossip.

He danced through a string of good songs, focusing on the music without trying to catch anyone's eye. There were too many chattering voices to make out the lyrics, but the drumbeat held him strong and steady.

Finally he went back to the table for some water, and they were still going on down the roll. "And Keri said Matt really wants to go back to Moscow," JC said. He waved his bottle emphatically and then tipped it back and drank. Justin and Britney were holding hands under the table. Britney looked really happy.

"Hey, Lance," she said.

Lance smiled back. "Hey, Brit."

He leaned against the edge of the table, drinking his water and looking down at the dance floor. Chris came back with a fresh glass and slid into the chair next to JC's.

"Oh, _C, _" Chris said after listening for a moment. "You know how I hate to be reminded of the others before me."

JC laughed and took another long swallow of beer. In the pause while he was drinking, there was a bustle at the door, and a knot of people came in: bodyguards first, and then a familiar set of dark and blond heads. Chris poked Justin.

"Hey, look, it's your basketball nemesis," he said. Justin scowled.

"Whatever," he said. "Yours, too."

Lance finished the last of the water and tossed the bottle into a trash can. "Where're you going?" JC asked.

"To say hello to my teammates," Lance said.  
 

"Bass," AJ said when Lance reached their table. "Long time no see, fella."

"Yeah, it's been a little while, huh?" Lance said. He wished he still had the bottle so he'd have something to occupy his hands. "How're all y'all doing?"

"Not bad," AJ said.

"Pretty good," Howie said.

Brian and Kevin nodded and looked away.

"Well, pull up a chair, dawg," Nick said. He gave Lance a grin. Lance hesitated, but at Nick's gesture one of the Backstreet bodyguards actually did drag over another chair, and then it would have been rude not to sit down. "Oh, so Lance, AJ was just gonna tell us about this crazy shit that went down at Jive last time he went into the offices – how'd it start again, Aje?"

"Yeah, so there's this jackass PR motherfucker Dave, right?" AJ said, and for a while all Lance had to do was nod and laugh. Then one of the quotes AJ repeated reminded Lance of something their own PR rep had said, so he told the story, and was stupidly pleased when Howie giggled and Nick laughed outright.

"Oh my god, I can't fucking believe you," Nick said. He slapped Lance's knee and left his hand there.

"Okay," AJ said, "that's some fucked up shit, I'll grant you that. But I swear nothing is ever gonna top the time when..."

Lance let his attention drift a little, feeling Nick's hand still solid and warm on his thigh. He glanced at Nick once or twice out of the corner of his eye, but Nick seemed unconcerned.

"...and we could still hear her cussing and screaming through, like, three closed doors," AJ finished.

Lance shook his head appreciatively. "Holy fuck," he said.

"Yeah, right?" AJ said. "Hey, who wants fries? Hey, Marcus! Can we get some home fries or something over here?"

While AJ was conferring with the other guys, Nick twisted his chair sideways to lean in closer to Lance. "Hey, Lance," he said quietly, "wanna go in back?"

A spike of heat went through Lance's belly. He turned and looked at Nick's face.

"Mike'll look out for us," Nick added. "He'll fix it so no one comes in."

Lance glanced over at the bodyguard, who appeared to be staring at a point somewhere across the room, and then back at his own table, where Chris and Joey were now also embroiled in Justin and JC's discussion, all bunched so close together that they nearly smacked each other in the face with their gestures. He took a deep breath.

"Yeah, okay," he said.

Kevin didn't look particularly happy as they stood up, but Lance didn't have to care about that.

They went down a narrow corridor, around a few corners, and into what appeared to be a women's bathroom. Lance glanced at a tampon dispenser on the wall, bemused, and then turned to Nick.

"You're fucking gorgeous," Nick said. "C'mere." He pulled Lance close with a hand on Lance's waist and kissed him, a hot press that sent a thrill into Lance's skin. Lance wrapped his own hand around the nape of Nick's neck and kissed back.

He felt Nick palm his ass, felt the hard shape of Nick's dick against his own hip, thought vaguely of the tables he'd sat at and left outside, and let Nick move them over to lean against the cool tile wall, still kissing the whole time. Nick's lips moved over his jaw and his cheek, and Lance let out a harsh breath. He ran his palms down Nick's sides, yanking their hips together, and Nick made a quiet grunt in his ear.

"I want – ahh, fuck," Nick said. "I want your mouth, suck me, do you do that?"

Lance stopped still. He opened his mouth to answer, and what came out was, "I don't know how."

Then he stopped breathing, because he couldn't believe he'd just said that, but Nick smiled. His hands were steady and hot on Lance's waist under the hem of Lance's T-shirt, and his voice was rich and happy. "Sure you do," he said.

"But I -" Lance said. Nick kissed his throat.

"Here," Nick said, and he was dropping down, out of reach of Lance's mouth. He was opening Lance's jeans just like that, he was curling his hand around Lance's dick. Lance felt his own heart pounding and looked at the faint flush along Nick's cheekbones, at his upturned eyes. Nick smiled. Then he took Lance's dick in his mouth, and it was amazing. It was exactly the pressure Lance needed, a stream of mindless sensation he couldn't even parse any further, it was just so exactly right.

Lance groaned deep in his throat when he came, and it sounded very loud to him, echoing off the tiles, but Nick didn't look worried. "So fucking hot," he murmured when he stood up. Lance grabbed Nick's face with both hands and kissed him, registering the changed taste and the faint dampness of sweat at Nick's hairline. Nick pressed closer, grinding against Lance's hip, and with a sudden resolve Lance turned him around so that Nick's back was to the wall.

Nick let him do it, and he let Lance unbutton and unzip his pants like there was nothing to it, he let Lance take out his cock and it was hot and hard in Lance's hand just like Lance had been used to since the age of eleven. Lance got on his knees and opened his mouth and moved it over the head of Nick's cock, and okay, that shape felt new and awkward on his tongue, but he kept going. He tried to suck a little and pulled back, tried to relax his throat and pressed down again, and he could feel that he didn't quite have it together yet, but he could also tell that it wouldn't be long until he did. He just had to get used to it. Nick's breathing sped up, and Nick's hand landed on his shoulder, and it was working, Lance was doing it, just like that.

He kind of wanted to touch his own dick again, to coax on the beginnings of another erection, but then that seemed like it might be too distracting. He resettled his hand around the base of Nick's cock instead, got a better grip, a better rhythm, and then it was barely any more time at all until Nick choked out, "hey – hey –" and Lance pulled off and let Nick use his own hands for the last few strokes till he came.

"Damn," Nick said. He sounded pretty happy. Lance got back to his feet, and Nick pulled him in for another long kiss.

Eventually Nick let Lance go and stepped back to pull his pants into place again. They both zipped up and took turns washing their hands at the sink. Lance looked in the mirror and scrubbed a wet palm briefly over his face. His mouth looked a little red, maybe, nothing too noticeable. While Lance was pulling out a paper towel Nick reached over and rubbed the side of his neck with warm fingers.

"So call me sometime, if you wanna do that again," Nick said.

"Sure," Lance said. "Okay."

He followed Mike and Nick back to the main section of the club, just barely taking in where he was going. When they reached VIP Nick slapped him on the shoulder and said, "Good seeing you, dude," and Lance grinned back.

Then he saw Chris waving to him from their own table and headed in that direction. He sat down in the empty chair next to Justin, but didn't make any attempt to pick up on the conversation, just asked for another water and drank it down while letting all their voices flow past him.

Before he knew it they were bundled into the car riding back to the hotel. Britney was on Justin's lap, JC had his head on Chris's shoulder, and Lance was squeezed in between Joey and the window, looking out at the stiff, empty streets of the early morning sliding by.

"Hey Lance, 'dja have a good night?" Joey said, and Lance turned his head to look at Joey's sleepy eyes.

"Yeah," he said. He turned back to the window and smiled.


End file.
